...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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