I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
