i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
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If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
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Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?