my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry