how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"