yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂