I'd wear matching sweaters with you
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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