4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
