he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
