I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
