you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
