i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
