I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
