im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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