i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
