Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
why do cheetos always look like penises
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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