Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
