My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
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She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
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and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.