hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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