I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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