This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
