I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
