I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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