Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
