Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
