I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
