I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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