took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
