im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
