youre lurking in front of me
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
