I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
