Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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