tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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