We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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