You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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