I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
