I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
