Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
