Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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