Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
