After last night, I could never be a politician.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
