I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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