if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
