i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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