Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
