Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
do herpes really smell.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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