I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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