I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
