You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
