I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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