Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
