How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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