John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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