Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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