Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Be still, my beating vagina.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
