I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
